Penis too big?

While nature created us suitable for copulation, there are times when size matters.

She says: “He feels too big to fit inside my vagina.  When we try, I feel that I am being torn and the vaginal opening will often bleed.  Try as we may, he cannot get inside me for normal, comfortable intercourse.”

He says: “Yes, I am thicker than average and some past partner said so too but we always managed to have vaginal intercourse somehow.”

So, is it her vaginal size? Is it his penis’ size? What is going on?

The penis has two dimensions, length and girth (thickness).

  • The length will fit in as deep as the vaginal canal will allow: most men will fit in completely, while some may have the base of their shaft sticking out.  Some positions may afford greater vaginal depth and you may want to experiment to find out.
  • Girth (thickness) poses a problem because a thicker-than-average penis will challenge the vaginal opening, often to the point of tearing and suffering when trying to get in.  A ‘very thick’ penis (yes, they do exist!) will make vaginal intercourse impossible with altogether.

The vagina is rarely too small in structure.  It may react in nervousness and appear smaller/tighter in some situations but typically speaking, it is suitable for the average to slightly-thicker-than-average penis.

The woman should not be blamed for being ‘too small’ or for having vaginismus or dyspareunia before ascertaining that the penis is of functional girth.

In situations when the vagina needs just a little extra stretch, women can try to ‘warm up’ with a thick dildo before the penis enters in the hope that it will open it up enough for intercourse.

Overall, women should not feel inadequate nor a failure if he is too thick, nor seek surgical expansion (yes, you read it right) just to please him at the expense of their own genital and emotional health!


Treatment & arousal

Male partners will often raise the same typical question when seeing her doing vaginal penetration exercises: “Does it feel good? Does it turn you on?”  This happens with such regularity that it prompted writing this post.

The answer: NO!

A reminder: unlike the penis, which is a one-for-all body part (urination, sexual activities), the vagina is not a sexual organ but rather a passageway connecting the uterus/cervix to the outside.

Women use their vagina for

  • Medical reasons: gynecologic exam, inserting medication/s, etc.
  • Hygienic reasons: tampons
  • Sexual reasons, when they ‘turn on’ the sexual switch = the mind, then the clitoris.

Women with penetration problems (i.e. vaginismus, dyspareunia, vulvodynia, menopause, post-radiation, etc.) who are doing vaginal penetration exercises with dilators/dildos never get turned on — it is merely a medical process during which they are focused on gaining vaginal function, far away from any sexual interest.  And, they would be quite appreciative if the partner refrains from suggesting a sexual encounter to follow.

Bottom line: do not associate penetration training with sex because vaginal penetration should be available ‘in neutrality’ and without being associated with the need to be aroused!


Ultrasound is a cyclic sound pressure at average frequency of 20 kHz, above the human’s hearing ability.

Gynecologic sonogram works like a sonar in a submarine: it sends a beam out, and if the beam encounters a solid object (i.e. another submarine, a rock, a cyst, a fibroid, cancer) it returns its image by displaying it on the screen.  There are many other uses for ultrasound and you can do your own search for general knowledge.

There are two (2) types of diagnostic gynecologic sonograms that are typically used to visualize the female pelvis:

  • Trans-abdominal, which is completely external: the transducer (ultrasound wand, or probe) is rolled on the belly/lower abdomen after the patient has drank enough fluid to fill the bladder that will act as the needed water medium for the sound waves.  During pregnancy (obstetric ultrasound), the amniotic fluid acts as the water-medium while the test is done to assess the development of the fetus; the parents-to-be benefit by being given an image photo of their baby.
  • Vaginal, an internal procedure: the transducer is inserted into the vagina and is moved about the organs (uterus, cervix, ovaries, bladder, fallopian tubes) for best visualization.  To provide a water medium, the transducer is inserted into a lubrication-filled protective cover that looks like a condom.  This test provides the best imaging of the internal organs.

Vaginal ultrasound may pose a problem for women who struggle with vaginismus or are just nervous about ‘anything going into the vagina.’  A useful tip: let the person who does the test (the doctor, the radiology technician, etc.) know that you would like to insert the transducer yourself.  Once it is in, have them grab hold of it and proceed with the procedure.

If penetration is not at all possible, ask for a trans-abdominal ultrasound instead, and return for a vaginal one as soon as you have cured your vaginismus.

To learn more about the test and to see what the equipment looks like, click here.

Vaginismus or Vestibulitis?

It is common to group vaginismus and (vulvar) vestibulitis into one and it takes a proficient clinician to know the difference.

Generally speaking,

  • Vaginismus = unable to have vaginal penetration/s, or able to have them but with pain and distress.
  • Vulvar vestibulitis = penetrations are usually available but the pain/burning/discomfort surrounding the area may complicate matters.

Unfortunately, vaginismus remains an elusive diagnosis while (vulvar) vestibulitis has become the (quick) answer to vulvogenital problems.

Vaginal ‘fullness’

Women do not so much care about the length of what goes into the vagina (penis, dilator, sexual toys) because it will only fit as deep as her vagina allows.

However, the physical feeling that does matter to a woman is that of girth (width) expansion.  A better yet definition of that sensation is ‘fullness’ – a gradual process of stretching with neurological learning.

Confused? Liken it to drinking from a straw, then taking a small bite,  then eating a big sandwich that requires a full jaw opening.

The vagina is built to acomodate a full size penis and the sensation of fullness is a natural component of vaginal use.   Women with vaginismus or women who lost vaginal elasticity (menopause, after cancer treatment) may need professional intervention to accept ‘fullness’ and use their vagina freely.